Question: Why do so many men walk into bars with their dogs?

Answer: (see below)    

—————

A man walked into a bar with a Chihuahua under his arm.”I’ll bet anyone in this joint 100 bucks that my dog can talk!” he proclaimed.
The bartender took up the challenge and said “Okay, I’ll bite.”
The man looked at the Chihuahua and asked “What’s on top of this building that keeps the rain from coming in?
“ROOF” replied the pooch.
“Are you nuts?” asked the bartender. “I’m not falling for that!”
“Okay,” said the dog owner. “How about double or nothing? I’ll ask him another question”
The bartender stared at the man and after a few moments slowly nodded his head ‘yes’.
“What does sandpaper feel like?” the man asked the dog.
“RUFF” replied the dog.
Getting angrier by the second, the bartender just glared at the man.
“Just one more try, please?” pleaded the man and, before the bartender could respond, he asked the dog “Who is the greatest baseball player of all time?”
Quickly, the dog replied “RUTH”
Alright, that’s enough!” shouted the bartender, throwing them both out into the street.
The man stood up, dusted himself off, and glared at the Chihuahua. The dog stared back and asked, “Should I have said DiMaggio?”

———-

A man walked into a bar with a Beagle under his arm and loudly announced “This is a talking dog and the first person to give me five bucks for him can have him!”
“What a load of baloney,” said the bartender. “Ain’t no such thing as a talking dog.”
Just then the Beagle looked up sadly and said “Please buy me sir. This man has been very cruel to me. He always buys the cheapest dog food, he makes me sleep in the basement and he never takes me for a walk. When I bring him a toy to play with me he yells at me and tells me I’m a bad dog. He has no idea what a special dog I am. I could make him a lot of money but he just says I’m worthless. When he goes away on vacation he won’t take me with him. He makes me go to this kennel that’s like a jail with cages and bars.” The dog then lowered his head and rested his chin on the bar.”
“Wow!” exclaimed the bartender, “you’re absolutely right! That Beagle can talk!” Then he paused with a concerned look on his face. “So why are you selling him so cheap? He’s right, you could make a lot of money with him”.
The owner replied, “Because I’m just sick of his lies.”

———–

A Dog Walks Into A Bar

A man walked into a bar with a Black Lab at his side, tells the dog to sit on the stool next to him, and says to the bartender “Gimme a beer and a shot of Jack Daniels for my best friend Bart”.
Another customer, a huge construction worker, seated three stools down got up and approched the man.
“Get outta here!” he growled “I ain’t gonna drink at the same bar with a danged dog”.
With that the Lab lept from his stool and and started biting at the construction worker’s ankles.
The construction worker responded by pulling out a small pistol and fired, hitting the dog in the foot.
The dog yelped and he and his owner ran out of the bar, the dog limping along on three legs.

Two weeks later the same Lab walked into the same bar, this time without his owner. He was wearing a black cowboy hat, a black vest, black chaps, a black bandage on his wounded foot, and a black gun belt with a pair of pearl handled Colt .45s. He walked up to the bartender and, in a loud voice that everyone in the bar could hear, he drawled “I’m Black Bart and I’m lookin’ for the low down dirty scoundrel that shot my paw”.

“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
Ann Landers

“If you get to thinking you’re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else’s dog around.”
Will Rogers

“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
Phil Pastoret

“A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.”
Josh Billings

Dogs are miracles with paws

“When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.”
Edward Abbey

“Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
Robert A. Heinlein

“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.”
Robert Benchley

“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
Andy Rooney

“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
Franklin P. Jones

“The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too.”
Samuel Butler

“To err is human, to forgive canine.”
Unknown

“If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man..”
Mark Twain

“No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.”
Christopher Morley

“Dogs are miracles with paws.”
Susan Kennedy

When you were watching that movie last night, you may have seen a Golden Retriever, a Dalmatian or a Westie on screen. Now, the question in the back of your mind is – ‘Is my Beagle ready to be in the movies?’ Well, your veterinarian says your pet dog is just the best behaved dog they can imagine. Your critter even has figured out how and when to mug for a picture, a regular scene stealer with a personality that would have given Rin Tin Tin a good run for his money.

Okay, but you have to consider this. If your dog is to be the next star canine in a real Hollywood movie or television series, your pooch can’t just look good. Your dog is going to have to be well trained and know, not just the basics, but a few great tricks to show what he can do.

Most of the scenes you see dogs doing on the big screen look so great because Hollywood has a way of putting the dog’s tricks in the best light and making the shots work. They combine them as a series of tricks into a final production that works for a particular scene very well.

It’s the basic tricks that are going to land your dog a movie role. There are many training facilities that offer the classes necessary to teach your puppy the tricks and obedience that are required by canine actors.

Almost all of what dogs do in the movies are easy tricks. Most of the common tricks the dogs need to do are bow, play dead, crawl, speak on cue, sneeze, hide your eyes, pray, touch the target, wave, find it, roll over, turn out the light and whine.

Learning all of the tricks might be the easy part of getting ready for the movies. The hard one for lots of dogs is working on a set with strangers all around and a ton of distractions. Also, in most cases, your dog will need to follow the lead of the set’s dog wrangler, not you. These are some real challenges for some dogs to face.

Copyright - Walt Disney Pictures

If you can teach your dog all the tricks, but also the basics of working with strangers on a Hollywood set without freaking out, you might just have a dog like D.J. as the Siberian Husky “Demon” in the film Snow Dogs.

So… your pooch is ready and willing to go to the movies. What is your next step? The thing that will make your dog stand out is to put together a compelling portfolio for your dog. All the current photos, his list of skills and tricks, training and hopefully some great videos of your dog doing some of his best tricks.

Many of the training schools for movie dogs will help you get your dog into the industry. Don’t forget there is a lot of ad work and commercial work for your aspiring mongrel to shoot for also.

Finally, your dog loves you a lot (hopefully, the feeling is mutual). If your dog does not enjoy acting and does not want to be a Hollywood star, your dog will certainly tell you about it. Keep a watchful eye on your pal and keep things fun for him or her.

A sign was placed in an office window that read:

“HELP WANTED – Must be a speed typist and have computer skills. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time later a Boxer trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist, wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air.

The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised to see a canine applicant but since the dog looked determined he was shown into the manager’s office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly.

The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you must be able to type.

The dog went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair. The manager was stunned, but told the dog, “That was fantastic, but I’m sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer.”

The dog went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his’ expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, “Look, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you’re a dog. There’s no way I can hire you.”

The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, “Equal Opportunity Employer.”

The exasperated manager said, “Yes, I know what the darn sign says.
But the sign also says you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, “Meow.”

The Proper Approach to ‘Hugging’ a Baby

Instructions for properly hugging a baby:

1. First, uh, find a baby.

2. Second, be sure that the object you found was indeed a baby by employing
classic sniffing techniques.

3. Next you will need to flatten the baby before actually beginning the
hugging process.

4. The ‘paw slide’ – Simply slide paws around baby and prepare for possible close-up.

5. Finally, if a camera is present, you will need to execute the difficult and patented ‘hug, smile, and lean’  maneuver so as to achieve the best photo quality.

Have a great day!

Halo, the amazing pool playing dog!

Check out the look on his face when he’s watching his shot. This pooch is having a blast!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yHiiG3-yU7k[/youtube]

Like the Energizer bunny, Chester keeps going and going and going!